All that's left

Is this it?
the highly glamorised ideal called 'marriage'.....
Is this all it is? I certainly thought it would be more than a life of unbalanced sacrificial giving...
I guess i've always been really cynical about the whole institution...not because its not a good thing but because I rarely ever saw what good looked like.
Marriages all around me were mostly a perfect story line for a horror movie..

Now I don't consider myself to be a feminist, but some might label me one when I ask questions about why people see a guy who sleeps around is seen as a player, but a lady who sleeps around is seen as a slut!!!

Why does one person in the marriage sacrifice so much, pour out attention, love, everything...and the other just can't be bothered really.....why are we so innately selfish?

I suppose i completely understand why some women will only ever marry a rich man...its very easy for us to think they are materialistic, but are they really? I suppose its a game of quid pro quo...I become your liability for the rest of my life in return for playing the role of a wife...that's about even isn't it?...he can have as many frivolities as he likes and she can have a young toy boy to satisfy her phisical needs...

But when it comes to emotional needs, love, attention, excitement,romance etc. it feels like some where within the wedding vows exchanged was a clause that said 'everything i did to get you hooked isn't part of the wedding deal'. So you get married and the romance goes out the window, then the attention, your sex life might soon follow after and by this time even though you love him you're no longer in love with him and can't even remember why you married him in the first place.....

So..the million dollar question is - why change a winning formula? If it ain't broke, don't fix it right? So why do we stop doing the very things that worked in the first place?

I remember while DH and i were still dating, we had this conversation and agreed that it really wasn't rocket science and that we would carry on the way we were even when we got married.....
but a few months after marriage....and we seem to have suffered the same fate.....what went wrong?

Now all that's left is.......the rest of our days

xxxx

Adultery

This is my first attempt at this.....(blogging i mean)
I've heard its supposed to be therapeutic....
I'll probably have something I need to offload every now and again..
about work , friendship, dreams, love, marriage et al...
so ...
here goes nothing!

What's on my mind today?
I've realised that adultery isn't as much of a distant impossible event as i always thought it was for me, given my values and convictions..
But now i realise it is so easy...
too easy...

all it takes is one argument, one weak moment, a slight temptation to fulfil a fantasy or just enough anger to justify your actions...

Now here's the story..

I always thought that sex was something worth waiting for...
and so i waited till i found the one..
till i got married..
I had visions of granduer and endless fantasies about what it would finally be like to have the freedom to enjoy sexual passion anytime, anywhere anyhow.....
But i woke up to a different reality...

The reality that sex happens on DH's ( dear husband's ) terms....
it mostly happens when he feels like he's in the mood...
and like an obedient slave ..I bow and say ' do with me what you will'
but when i'm in the mood and he's not....
i hear the age old rhethoric...'I'm tired', 'lets see how it goes', 'tomorrow luv'....

i don't think i'm a sex maniac...lol (just someone who was sex starved for 27 years...lol)
but i do think that going for a whole week without sex is somewhat unusual (I've only been married 2 month's)

The hillarious thing is that....keeping our hands off each other before we got married was such a struggle and often created tension between us....yet ironically, freedom makes you take a lot of things for granted....

I suppose sex once a week or less isn't so bad....
what's scary is that sometimes, I find myself thinking about what sex would be like with someone else..I cast my mind back to previous relationships where i steadfastly maintained that sex was a no-no, and i wonder what that would have been like...

I suppose in some ways i do resent the fact that DH had the explored his sexuality, and i feel like a bit more sensitivity to the fact that he is my first, only and last, probably isn't too much to ask...

but to get the 'i'm tired' line ever so often makes me a bit anxious about what my life will look like a few years from now (we haven't even got any kids yet). Even though i decided to keep sex in the cooler till i was married, I always knew that sex would be really important to me, and i remember saying to DH a number of times before we got married 'don't dull me when we are married oh!'

I suppose some men also think once they are married- they've gotten you in the can, can sit on the can, and have every right to put their feet up and relax!! It's almost like you get married and they just can't be bothered anymore....
and all that just makes you feel really good when you know you are still turning heads in the street, or that your male co-worker thinks you're hot!! and tells you as much everyday. The only person who doesn't seem to notice anymore is the one go home to everyday....the one who's opinion and compliments really matter.....

So here and now...
I'm wondering..
what the future holds....
I realise that ultimately.. my love for God is what restrains me...
not the love i have for DH, nor guilt nor the standards that society has...
because God, is the one i'm really, deeply, truly in love with
I don't ever want to hurt Him
besides, He is the one who tells me everyday how beautiful i am,
how much He loves me,
and how jealous He is over me,
He is the one who fulfils me,
deeply, He is the air that i breathe, my lover and best friend...
so dear Lord teach me to stand!!
and to value the intimacy we share...
nothing and no-one will ever take your place......


Here, now and forever.....H's & K's